


i knuckle under/i'm just a burden

by remi_wolf



Series: The Life and Times of Teddy Blaseball [5]
Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Family Feels, Found Family, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Meta References to Fandom, Pre-season 9, Referenced Alcohol, Referenced Allison Abbot/Kichiro Guerra, Referenced Theodore Duende/Randall Marijuana, Road Trips, Running Away, Siesta Fic, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 07:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28467468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remi_wolf/pseuds/remi_wolf
Summary: Maybe Teddy's been under some strain. Maybe Theodore "Teddy Blaseball" Duende has been under immense pressure over the past six seasons to ensure that the Band Stays Together as much as possible, despite what gods and umpires alike intend. The fans look to Teddy as the team dad, and the perfect captain, and the best batter in the league, and by every god, Teddy intends to fulfill that unspoken promise. However, after Jaylen's refinanced debt led to nearly the entire team getting lost in the feedback, and losing Randy, and then losing Ron to an election incineration...Teddy decides to run away to hopefully the only family that can truly understand: Allison Abbot.title from the garages song "forbidden knowledge"
Relationships: Allison Abbot & Theodore Duende, Allison Abbott/Kichiro Guerra, Theodore Duende/Randall Marijuana
Series: The Life and Times of Teddy Blaseball [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918738
Kudos: 2
Collections: Beguilements and Distractions





	i knuckle under/i'm just a burden

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to an...honestly much larger fic than I realized it would be when I first started this. It's something that's been floating in my head since that siesta happened between season 8 and 9, based on what happened in the RP universe over on twitter. Randy had gone to hell early in season 8, and after two and a half extremely difficult seasons that culminating in losing his adopted dad, Teddy ended up running away from Seattle. Eventually, he had made it to Dallas for a while, where he was able to spend some time with Allison. We never really got to write or do anything in that time period, so here I am now, writing it. 
> 
> I basically just...think of Teddy as someone who's trying to put up a good front, but he's slowly buckling under the inevitable pressure would provide. The Garages have one of the biggest fandoms in Blaseball right now, and so when you have so many fans trying to place you as the one that takes care of everyone, that's the dad that everyone can turn to, I'm sure that messes with someone, especially in a game like this. So, I like to explore that a bit, and Teddy's private enough that I can't really manage that with Twitter at all.
> 
> So! Here we are! a long fic, and that's a ridiculously long introduction, and I hope it hasn't turned you off of this fic at all. It's...honestly got some of the bits I've liked most that I've written all year.

The bag dragged behind him, perhaps not a literal weight upon Teddy’s shoulders, but certainly a metaphorical one. It held and pulled him back from the understated house that he saw in front of him, and he had to stop as he looked at the door with a welcome mat in front of it. A literal  _ house _ , with a pretty little welcome mat. What the  _ fuck. _ He didn’t expect this when he drove through the night to track down Allison, nor did he even expect this when he followed behind Sam, driving his beat-up little car, covered in more bumper stickers than paint. He fully expected to end up driving another few miles to get to whatever apartment building Allison actually lived at, but when Sam stopped here, and he looked at his phone to double check the address, it was entirely correct. Somehow, Allison had started living in a proper house, with a welcome mat, now that she lived in Dallas. 

“So, this is Allison’s, obviously. I’m sure she’s home considering the time. If she’s not, though, just drop me a call, alright? You’ve got my number, and I’ll put you up in my guest room. It’s not a problem at all.”

“Right, yeah. Thanks, Sam.” Teddy couldn’t help but feel a little lost still as he stood on the path towards the door, looking at the house and still feeling entirely lost. The grass was brown, and the trees were brown, and the house was even brown. It didn’t look anything like Seattle. Even the areas tucked away most deeply in that city still had some sort of green and life growing in the cracks. He only shifted after a moment when he realized that he didn’t hear Sam’s car start up again, and he glanced back at the other, trying to hide the bit of confusion he still felt. 

“You alright?” Sam frowned as he shifted on his feet. “It sounded like you left Seattle in a bit of a rush, and now—”

“I’m fine, Sam. Thanks.” Teddy tried to force a smile on his face, even if he knew it was tight and drawn and not much of his usual proper smile at all. “I’m better than when I left, and I promise, it’s just been a bit of a long day of driving. You know how it is. Not used to the new time zone and all still.”

The words didn’t seem to entirely convince Sam, but he still nodded, shifting his keys in his hand before he turned. “Alright, well, if you’re sure, then I’ll leave you to it.”

Teddy nodded again before turning back to the door, dragging his duffle along the ground, even if he knew his mother would have his hide for disrespecting his bags in such a manner. Dragging was easier than carrying, though, and he didn’t think he could manage the effort to deal with it, even if he only needed to pick it up. After a moment, as he heard Sam’s car start up and drive, he finally reached up to knock on the door. 

The door opened before he could complete the motion, and Teddy jumped as he saw Allison standing there, familiar sandy locks of hair messy and untidy. While her appearance wasn’t entirely unexpected—it wasn’t as though they hadn’t seen each other since her feedback, and he had even seen her at his wedding—there was still something entirely unexpected about seeing her like this, open and sleepy and he would almost say softer if he didn’t know better. Added to that, the fact that he stood here in front of her after essentially running away from Seattle, and then his husband, to get back to her and that he hadn’t even told her about he was coming made it seem especially surreal. But she was there. She stood there, looking annoyed and frustrated, with a nail bat in hand, and Teddy found himself staying in one piece only out of sheer habit and determination, rather than entirely falling apart in front of her. 

“You look fucking awful.”

The almost absurd greeting caught Teddy off guard, and he couldn’t help the grin as he nearly managed a laugh at the comment. He leaned against the doorway, breaking down just a little as he tried not to entirely fall apart into hysterical laughter, and he closed his eyes. Something had to give, and it would be his posture and his pretense at being awake, rather than his composure. “Is that really any way to greet your long-lost captain?”

Allison huffed a soft laugh, and she pulled the duffle bag from Teddy’s hands, tugging it harder when he tried to resist until he let go and let her have it. “Nope. But it’s how I’d greet my idiotic long-lost brother.”

“I  _ resent  _ that.”

That only got another laugh from Allison, and Teddy opened his eyes to look at her, raising an eyebrow at the grin on her face. Teddy sighed, rolling his eyes as he watched her before following her inside, closing the door and locking it behind him. At least the house looked recognizably “Allison Abbott.” A guitar and amp in the corner of the living room with a couple of banjos settled nearby. A coat rack covered with flannels. A wall with a hole seemingly punched through the drywall. Honestly, this place already felt more like home than his own apartment did, and he couldn’t help but sigh and lean against the wall for a moment, even as he heard Allison toss on one of the old Garages albums he remembered recording ages ago. 

“Get your ass in here, Duende!”

Teddy rolled his eyes before continuing to walk towards the kitchen, glancing at her as she busied herself at the coffee pot before sitting down on one of the barstools, tapping idly on the countertop as he looked around. A small little kitchen, with a few marks of cooking mishaps, and he supposed it was well-loved, honestly. Better than he would have expected, or perhaps better than he would have wanted her to be in this unfamiliar world. 

“So,” Allison started, drawing out the word longer than it had any right to be. “You’re here. And you really do look like shit, Theo. Like, honestly, you look awful, worse than you did when I saw you last season. Here I was, thinking Randy being around again would make you feel better about all of this.”

The comment about Randy surprised him, and Teddy couldn’t help but stiffen at the reminder. He suddenly felt oddly self-conscious about the smell of brimstone and weed that lingered on him and his clothes, and while the scent usually comforted him and reminded him of safety and love and home, right now it just served as a near-accusation that he didn’t actually miss Randy as much as he should have, or some other sensation that he couldn’t quite manage to put to words easily at all.

“Theo?”

“Still here.” Teddy didn’t look up from where his fingers stilled on the countertop. Regardless of what he said, he couldn’t seem to get his thoughts to work right, and he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Allison. At least he was sitting down. Otherwise he wouldn’t trust himself to actually manage to stay on his feet or something like that. 

“You’re..." Allison frowned as she turned to look at Teddy, moving away from the coffee to lean against the island to look at him better. “Shit, Theo, you’re really not there. I thought you were alright. Randy’s back, and...and I thought you’d be happy about that and all.”

“I am!”

Allison jerked back, hands held up before they both relaxed. Teddy hadn’t meant to snap at all, and Allison clearly didn’t expect it either, and there was a brief moment where they both didn’t know what to do. The moment stretched into two, before Allison finally closed the distance between the two of them, cupping Teddy’s face in her hands and tracing over the deep cracks and fractures that had formed and found a permanent place on his face over the past few years. Teddy’s eyes squeezed tighter, as though that would be enough to hide the damning features that he knew were just a sign of how broken he was. 

“You really look like shit, idiot.”

“Fuck you.” The words were far more fond than what Teddy would usually allow to pass his lips when he spoke to Allison, but he didn’t care. Special times called for special measures, and he relaxed, opening his eyes for a moment before butting his forehead against hers. “Randy’s back, yeah. Not until after I ran, but...but he still found me. So.”

“Yeah. I know. I can smell his delightful perfume. And you tweeted about it, too. Spoiler alert, Theo, but if you’ve got a stranger in your car, hit them with a bat rather than tweeting about it.”

Teddy laughed softly, unable to do anything else at the absurdity of the memory. Standing in the middle of the Redwoods in the pale dawn morning after driving as long as he could stand, only to see someone fussing with the inside of his car and eventually realizing that it was Randy. Randy, back and amazing, and beautiful, and Teddy wasn’t with him and instead sitting here. At least Allison had broken through whatever fog he was in, and he sat up a bit straighter, and she must have been a little bit more reassured that he wouldn’t do something terribly stupid at her island since she turned to pour them both ample amounts of coffee. 

“Something tells me that whatever this conversation is going to be needs to be a Drunk Conversation, but seeing as how it’s morning, and seeing as how I am the functional one of two of us, no matter what the fans think, I think we get coffee with lots of milk and sugar instead.”

Teddy made a bit of a face, unable but to pout just a little bit. “I don’t like—”

Allison shot him a glare. 

“...black coffee. But light and sweet’s good too. Entirely good.”

Allison nodded, a small grin on her face as she quickly prepared the two mugs of coffee before settling down next to him, nudging his shoulder as she passed over one of the mugs. “Good. We’re doing coffee, and maybe if you behave, I’ll actually make breakfast too. But yeah. Best we don’t drink for breakfast.”

Teddy sighed softly, leaning against her and sipping his coffee. “Yeah. Alcohol is for brunch, not breakfast, and I don’t think that there’s many good places for that around here.” He sighed softly, tapping his ring against the edge of the mug before frowning. “We should have done that more. We didn’t do that nearly as much as we should have.”

“Hard to do something like that when Ron couldn’t handle the sun half the time.” 

The brief mention of Ron had Teddy stilling again, frozen as he tried to breathe past the ache and choke in his chest as he held the warm coffee against his chest. 

“I’m sure Dad’s alright, Theo. Wherever he is. Wherever incinerated players go. He’s fine.”

“But he’s gone.” Teddy couldn’t manage more than that, especially as he was fairly certain that he wasn’t breathing, that he couldn’t breath, and he could feel his arms wrapping tight around his chest, or maybe that was just him being unable to do yet another basic task of a blaseball player and managing to breathe. 

Allison set her mug down, spinning her chair to look at Teddy, not that he could see much past the spot he was burning into the countertop. Perhaps literally. “You knew that sort of thing could happen. It’s been a possibility since season two.”

“Band, though.” Teddy managed a bit of a hiccupping breath as he held the mug tighter. “Gotta keep the band together. For the fans. And I failed at that.”

There was a soft laugh from Allison, and while normally Teddy would call her out on laughing at him, it sounded too dark for even him to claim that she was laughing at him rather than the whole absurd situation they were in. “I can’t believe you’re still so hung up on being a perfect captain. It’s been years. No one expects that anymore.”

Teddy couldn’t help but laugh at that idea. It was absurd enough to break through the fog and loosen the grip on his ribs. “Of course they do. Everyone trusts me to take care of them. The fans call me the team dad, and...and” Teddy took a shaking breath as he looked over at Allison. “I was barely  _ twenty-two _ when I joined the team! Even if time didn’t act weird in the immaterial plane, I’m not old enough to be a dad! I’m not even old enough to get  _ married _ ! I only did that so Randy would have a properly good memory to take with him when he went to literal  _ hell _ .”

Allison took a deep breath, nodding at that. “Yeah...we need to talk about that one.”

The only response Teddy could muster was a low groan as he dropped his head to the countertop. At least that was better than the sob he expected.

“We really do need to talk about that. Or at least talk about why you came here.”

“Coulda talked to Ollie if I wanted to deal with this.”

The silence from Allison carried the distinct weight of one of her glares, and Teddy rolled his eyes before he sat up straight again. Resolutely, he ignored her, sipping at his coffee and glancing at the microwave with the clock five minutes fast and an hour behind what it should be. 

“Yeah. I know. I’m being stupid. Maybe I just wanted to see you, though. See my favorite sister who hasn’t bothered to visit all siesta.”

“Your favorite sister, who is currently in Eastern Washington, trying to mix ballet lessons with...what was it—”

“Taekwondo.”

“Exactly!” Allison poked Teddy hard, forcing him to actually look at her, rather than the stain shaped like Texas fused with Oklahoma on the wall. “Because you’re not here to talk to your favorite sister, so you’re running away, and because I’m not afraid to hit you with my nail bat, that means we’re talking about why you’re running away.”

“Metaphorically, right? Metaphorically hit me with the nail bat.”

Allison shrugged, sipping her coffee instead of properly answering. “So. You. Captain. Dearest brother of mine. Stop beating yourself up about all of this.”

“Who says I’m beating myself up over any of this? Maybe I’m fine.  _ Maybe _ I’m down and beating myself up over entirely unrelated things than my entire team getting either incinerated, dragged into the shadows, or feedbacked to other teams.” If Teddy sounded defensive, that was between him and Azathoth, and his papa wouldn’t dare to say anything about it. As it was, he refused to look at Allison any longer, hoping that it would keep the weight of her glare off him. It was a lie, but a pretty one.

“Are you seriously going to ignore the fact that we’ve been best friends since you joined the Garages?”

“Allie, please.”

“Theo, I’m being serious. I say this because I love you, but I wish I had never voted for you as captain.”

The words fell, and Teddy felt his stomach drop. He knew he shouldn’t be breaking and shattering, not because of a simple comment like that, but he still thought he was. He was familiar with what it was like to have his shell start to splinter from grief, and the way he couldn’t breathe, how the cracks in his face burned, and he tried to suck in a breath of air, something. The breath wouldn’t cooperate, though, as though he was trying to smoke some sort of cheap cigarette he bummed off someone. “I...I thought—”

“You’re the best captain I’ve ever had, don’t get me wrong, alright?” Allison shifted in her seat before taking Teddy’s hand, squeezing it tight enough that he’d usually give her shit for ruining the money-makers. “But you take on too much responsibility. You take on the weight of the world, and when we try to remind you that you’re not Atlas, you argue with us. You don’t know when to stop, so when seasons like this happen, you come so close to shattering that those of us who actually know you get terrified that you’re actually going to lose yourself. You’ve been splintering worse than ever for two years now. First Randy, and then Ruby Tuesday, and Dom, then me, and Ron now...You gotta stop this, alright? You have to stop hurting yourself.”

Teddy listened, trying to get the roaring in his ears to stop and quiet enough so that he actually could hear her. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do with the information, how he was supposed to just lock his emotions in a box and shove it in a closet in his mind, but apparently that was what Allison wanted him to do. But why would he want to stop caring for everyone?

“Stop thinking too much.”

“Sorry.” The apology was reflexive, automatic, even if it was soft and barely breathed. Teddy couldn’t manage much more than that, even if his thoughts were still spiraling out of control, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do, what Allison wanted from him. He pressed against Allison’s side, closing his eyes tight.

At least Allison seemed to hear, and while she flicked the point of his ear, she held him tight. It hurt, and Teddy hissed quietly, but didn’t move. Neither of them moved. Allison held Teddy tight, and Teddy pressed against her side. 

It was Allison who finally pulled away, pushing Teddy back so that he could sit upright again, and she took a deep breath, looking at him before glancing back at her coffee. “Stop thinking. Stop being sorry. But mostly, you need to stop thinking that you’re in any sort of control. You can’t control the weather. You can’t control the umpires. You need to accept that we’re going to lose people, and just like a band can have members that drop in and out, a blaseball team has players drop in and out. We’ll make do, just like we always do. But I can’t have you shattering on me.”

Teddy nodded, silent as he sipped at his coffee, trying to ignore the chill that was starting to settle in it. It was empty by the time he set it down again. “Thanks.”

“You going to stop being so responsible for everything?”

“Sure.”

“Fucking liar.” Allison snorted quietly as she elbowed him. “This is why you’re called team dad, idiot. All responsible and shit, even if you’re the youngest one on the team.”

Teddy laughed softly, shaking his head. “Don’t remind me about the dad shit. I’m still one of the youngest players in the league.”

“Wasn’t Randy younger?”

“Was, yeah.” Teddy shrugged, a frown forming on his face as he thought about his husband and stared at his mug as though that would add more coffee and milk to it.

“And he’s back, so you’re back to not-youngest.”

“There was always York.”

“The kid and the baby don’t count. You know that.”

Teddy rolled his eyes before taking a deep breath, tapping his wedding ring against the rim of the coffee mug once more. “I think Randy’s older than me now.”

“Sorry?”

Teddy glanced over at Allison before shrugging. “I think more time passed for him than for us. He won’t say anything specifically, but...he looks older than just a year. And it’s just the general impression of more than a year’s worth of trauma on him.”

Allison whistled lowly before taking a long drink of her coffee. “So. Older, wiser, probably hotter. We’ve all got trauma, so...what’s the matter?”

“I don’t know.” And wasn’t that the problem with all of it? Teddy didn’t know why he was having such a difficult time with all of it. It’s Randy! His Randy, whom he introduced to dim sum, and non-burned food, and who kept him warm during the cool drizzly nights between games. “I don’t know why I feel awful, Allie. It’s just...I’ve waited all year to get him back. I was going to track down arcane magic to get him back. I love the shit out of him, and I’d do anything for him. But...I feel all wrong. This all feels wrong with us.”

“Teddy..."

Teddy was on a roll though, the words starting to tumble out of his mouth now that he was spilling them. He couldn’t get them to stop, though, and he could feel the burning of his ichor tears gathering in his eyes. “It’s Randy! I’m being stupid, so stupid. I should have taken him and turned around. It’s him, my same Randy, with his adorable sense of humor, and obsession with Taco Bell, and he still smells the same, so obviously it’s him, but...but..." Teddy took a shuddering breath as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to hide the sobs that he could feel building. 

“But he feels wrong in your arms. He doesn’t look exactly the same, and doesn’t kiss quite the same, but it’s close enough that you feel like you’re reading too much into it?”

Teddy stilled, momentarily shocked into stopping his sobs as he glanced over at Allison. 

“Same with me and Kichiro.”

Right. Teddy, idiot that he was, forgot that this Kichiro was an Alternate. “That was so long ago,” Teddy mumbled, words somewhat obscured in that usual post-sobbing way. 

“Still wake up terrified sometimes and forget who’s next to me.” Allison glanced over at Teddy before pulling him close and hugging him tight. “I get it, is the point.”

Teddy nodded, letting her hug him and ignoring the slight shake to her breathing as well as he held her tight. “How do you get through it?”

“One day a time, and breathe through the hard points.”

They fell silent again, Allison graciously declining to comment on the way that Teddy’s tears were getting onto her vintage band shirt, and in return, Teddy declined to comment on the way that Allison held him just as tight and refused to let go whenever he vaguely moved to pull away. He had missed her, and while he had games and siesta to spend with her, it wasn’t the same. He couldn’t call her up to go out at all, and he couldn’t surprise her some mornings by taking her out. They were separated by half the country, and the knowledge that once games started, they might not even know the other had died for hours. 

“Love you. Missed you.”

Allison smiled faintly, pressing her face to the top of Teddy’s hair, and she nodded. “Missed you too, you fucking sap.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you again so much for your time! Comments are always welcome! Have a good day!


End file.
